Where the windows hold pretty views.
You have stolen time that is rightfully mine but somehow I feel like I am wrong. I know that it was all meant for this understanding but I still feel like you owe me. The decision was already made the day I started this part, if that was the case I wish I knew it then. I really didn’t want to have to ask myself how I got here. The more I ask I feel the further I keep tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I really was never meant to be obedient and submissive. I really was mean to struggle and rebel without a cause, all because I knew that I have the capability. If you are reading this do tell me what to do next because it would be nice.
I know you won’t and the stranger reading this is making me insecure even though I don’t know you. I am writing to the thief who keeps pushing me to the edge and makes me question myself. I am writing because I spent the last few weeks behaving out of my initial character and principles. I lost myself due to my own choices and understanding. I did so because I am built in this ridgit manner where I keep isolating myself. I need help but what I do best is nurse my habits and attempt to glue it back, no one gets that I don’t know how to let them in. I hate this. Like all matters I have come to understand the reason. It truly is connected and you are a bastard for this unnecessary process. You could have just told me.
The thought of someone reading this is almost about to steal the last bit of exhaustion. Then again I am tired. I am just tired.
"I believe in the impossible. I do want to pretend that this and everything around is perfect.
I am choosing to see the imperfection as perfection.
I have done the non-believer thing. I walked around like I hated it all.
I am at the point where I am asking myself,
'How far has that gotten you?'.
I am where I started.
So I let go of this and I stay true to what the child in me thought.
I am choosing to believe the impossible.”
I wish I could put my feelings into words, as effortlessly as breathing. I wish I could just make it better.
I wish I could catch a falling star.
If I had a penny for everytime I got this feeling I would have enough to buy my way out of it.
You stand there looking at me demanding answers.
You grab me by the shoulders and shake me vigorously, as you keep yelling the same question.
You hold me so tight in the warmth of your life, you hold me and tell me you wont let me fall. You whisper to me, “You can let go now, I am holding on to you.”
I am standing here as I watch you ask me the same thing over and over again.
I watch you try.
I am trying.
But, I swear I don’t know where to start.
All I know is that, I am lost.
“I got my ticket for the long way round
Two bottles of whiskey for the way
And I sure would like some sweet company
And I’m leaving tomorrow
what you say”
Anna Kendrick - When I’m gone
Nothing will ever replace this memory. There are just too many people involved and I just love too many of you.